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From a personal perceptive, I know how vindictive and cruel a narcissist can be when you confront their lies. One of the clear identifiers that I was in an abusive relationship was his rage when I questioned his unacceptable behavior. So it should not have come as a surprise that in finally confronting his biggest lie of all, I was abandoned struggling for my life.  I was so sucked in I did not keep notes or draw up contracts or collect information during the relationship, I trusted, believed and of-course lost my sensibility. Now I look back and wonder at my incredible stupidity. Out of it I have learnt something very important. You can be an extremely confident person (like I was) but have very low self-esteem (which was me). That’s what he played on. I believed all the lies;

  • I can’t believe I’ve finally found you
  • I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before
  • No one understands me like you do
  • You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever met
  • You have the most amazing body
  • I have never felt so intimate with anyone before
  • You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had
  • I love you.  You are my soul mate
  • I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet
  • We have so much in common
  • I have never had such amazing sex with anyone like you. No one has ever understood my needs like you. You will do anything I want, I love you for that
  • We should die rather than not be together

Of course it was all a lie. He was Love bombing: so as to enmesh me in his narcissistic web so deeply it would be impossible to break out intact. And he successfully achieved that. Somewhere deep inside my mind I knew I deserved more then all the crap he was giving me. I also started to realize it was all lies. So amidst my struggle for sanity I found the grit to confront him. I knew this would end the relationship. That once his secret was revealed he would run. I was unconsciously saving myself. Yes the subsequent suffering was terrible and the abuse insidiously goes on but I am so grateful to be out of such a fake, menacing, pernicious relationship and to have regained most of my life.

Reason for Confrontation

If you have just discovered that your partner or parent is a narcissist, you may have a strong urge to confront them with that information in the hopes that they will recognize themselves in what you describe and be remorseful for the pain they have caused. If that is the outcome you expect, then you will be disappointed.

Confronting a Narcissist With His Own Behavior: What Will Happen? Should you confront a narcissist? What happens if you do confront him or her? Does the proverbial kitten really turn into a lion? Answers to those questions depend on the circumstances and the people involved. Before you decide to confront someone with a personality disorder, you need to ask yourself, ”What is the outcome I am hoping for?”

The narcissist’s sense of self has not developed beyond that of a young child and cannot cope with a truth that shows them to be less than perfect. Unlike alcoholics or other abusers who may eventually “see the light”, a narcissist just does not have the ability to look inside himself and perceive the truth. Self-reflection is not a tool in the narcissist’s toolbox of skills.

Before considering strategies about how to confront a narcissist, take a look at what you want out of the interaction. If you are looking for equality in your relationship, acceptance, or significance in his or her eyes, it is recommended that you simply move on. If you are looking for those outcomes you will invest excessive amounts of time and energy but with a minimum likelihood of success.

If you feel you are in a position where you have little or no choice (example: married and cannot leave for financial or religious reasons) except to confront a narcissist, then read on.


Reaction to Confrontation

What can you expect when you do confront a narcissist? Generally, they will resort to narcissistic rage (explosive or passive-aggressive) or denial. He or she may become enraged, deny everything, call you a liar, twist reality, blame you and then play the victim. You may be the recipient of rage and aggression or the victim of The Silent Treatment. It is also common for him or her to project everything you say about them on to you. For example, if you confront them about infidelity, they will turn it around and claim that you must be the one who cheated for you to even bring it up.  If you are strong enough to cope with this treatment, then go ahead and use the strategies below to confront him (or her). If you are hoping for a permanent, positive change in their behavior, more disappointment or pain is likely on the way.

Narcissistic Rage

Why do they go into a “narcissistic rage”? They become enraged because they believe they are perfect and beyond reproach. They cannot accept any sort of disagreement, criticism or accountability for their actions. “Narcissists react with narcissistic rage tonarcissistic injury”.

“Narcissistic injury” is any threat (real or imagined, no matter how slight) to the narcissist’s grandiose self-perception as perfect or omnipotent. They perceive every disagreement as criticism and every critical remark as abject humiliation. Narcissists desire perfection so even the slightest challenge to that self-perception is seen as a threat. Thus, the over-reaction. They react defensively and become indignant, aggressive and emotionally detached. They “devalue” the person who criticized, disagreed or dared to confront them about their behavior. By devaluing that person, narcissists minimize the impact of the threat to their self-worth.  The devalued individual is likely to be subjected to severe and continual emotional harassment, guilt and blame, and to abuse (verbal and physical).

“Narcissistic rage” is a reaction to a perceived (real or imagined) slight, criticism, disagreement or confrontation. Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury. Narcissistic rage can come in one or both types: explosive and passive-aggressive.

1. Explosive – The narcissist erupts like a volcano, attacks everyone around him, causes damage to objects or people, and is highly abusive.

2. Passive-Aggressive – The narcissist sulks, gives The Silent Treatment, and makes plans on how to punish the person. They are malicious and vengeful. They harass, disturb, sabotage and damage the work or possessions of the transgressors.

How to Confront?

According to Sam Vaknin, self-proclaimed narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love, the simplest way is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him. The threat to abandon can be vague and doesn’t have to be conditional (“If you do/ don’t do something – I will leave you”). When you confront a narcissist, you must be insistent and shout back. He or she can be controlled by the exact weapons that he uses to overpower others.

Their fear of abandonment overshadows almost everything else in a narcissist’s life. For example, if he gets emotionally close to someone he begins to fear that abandonment is inevitable. That causes him to act cruel and distance himself which often results in the abandonment that he feared. It is the narcissist’s paradox to which also holds the key to confronting and coping with the narcissist. If he engages in narcissistic rage – rage back at him. This inflames the fear of being abandoned and consequently quiets and calms him. He will try to make amends, immediately moving from one end of the emotional spectrum (cold, angry, cynical, and cruel) to the other end of the spectrum (warm, loving, optimistic and kind).

girl-looking-in-handheld-mirrorjpgMirror the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words back to him: If he threatens you – threaten him back. If he leaves the house – you leave the house. If he acts suspicious – you act suspicious. Descend to his level and use criticism, degrading comments and humiliation. Mirror his image back to him and the narcissist will always retreat.

Narcissists can cause negative and harmful effects to us. They are superficial individuals whose self-worth often stems from their behavior toward their partner, family and friends. To successfully and effectively confront a narcissist, your own self-worth must be strong and you need to robustly believe in your right to confront his or her attitude or behavior. Stand up for yourself and confront the narcissist by mirroring his behaviors; by doing this you can regain control and put it back in your court.

Shared from The Narcissist Life

Written by

About Alexander Burgemeester

For more on Narcissist Abuse follow this video Channel by Sam Vaknin expert on this type of abuse.

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7 comments on “How to Confront your Narcissist

  1. geraldine says:

    My daughter wrote all over facebook i am a Narcissist so do i believe this ? i hope im not


  2. Stephen says:

    Luv this article, but!!! The twelve things you say a narcissist says to a woman are also things us normal blokes say to women aswell, it’s called being nice, it’s called complimenting the woman you’re with, us blokes say those sort of things cause at that particular time it’s exactly how we feel, don’t get me wrong, there are blokes out there who’ll say those things just to get what they want, but 90% of blokes when they say any of your points we mean it 😊


  3. Liam Griffin says:

    You waste your time. The narcissist wont believe you if you confront them and consider it so ridiculous the will repeat what you say to others.


  4. Very interesting reading, I have to say. I have suffered emotional abuse since I was a child
    I find it so hard to move on and I become so confused because I see it coming and I allow it to happen


    1. Deb Potter says:

      Antoinette, I did the same thing as you for years, and it took me a long time to figure it out. I hope that my struggle can help you even a little bit. Children who are abused by their parents have both a very warped impression of what love is and extremely low self-esteem. Only when I learned to value myself and accept that I was neither responsible for the abuse nor able to fix it was I able to stop re-enacting it in my life. I accept that I cannot change the past, and I also accept that I cannot fix my abuser or make him love me, and that it’s miserable and futile to try. My narcissist abuser isn’t capable of love and he will endlessly test, exploit and abuse love to fuel his narcissism. Save yourself, Antoinette. Admitting that you cannot fix this type of person is not a failure on your part, it’s a victory.


      1. Thanks Deb, for your comments. You are right, a Leopard never changes it’s spots. Antoinette please stop feelin guilt and pain. If you could find someone to talk to might help. x


  5. Almost Free says:

    Please…. Think LONG AND HARD before confronting or trying to enlighten a narcissist with your discovery and knowledge.

    I made this mistake after I first learned about mothers with NPD and its effect on sensitive children.
    Suddenly…I had all the answers to my screwed up life and self. Was like the haze finally cleared. Everything finally made sense.

    And I felt relieved. And empowered.

    I Confronted Mother.

    Biggest mistake of my life.
    I knew my mother was sick.
    But not THIS SICK.
    People need to know how dangerous these types are when faced with the threat onf exposure. What a trip!!!!
    I thought I was being tough and bad ass when I announced during confrontation that I was going to write a book about her.
    I then lied anf gloated and said I was booked a guest on television talk show to share my Narc Mother experience.
    She just froze and went silent.
    After a few minutes of waiting for her response.
    I realized I wasn’t getting one. So I hung up.
    Then I went No contact.


    Do not make this SAME mistake.

    A year later….

    I thought…. Ok. Water under the bridge. Now I know how she is. I’ll just watch out. And get back in touch. She had a good run of 46 straight years of torturing my soul.
    Maybe we can get passed all this.

    So I pick up the phone and call to reconnect with my mother.
    But my mother is no where to be found. She’s gone.
    What the hell?
    I can’t get anyone to tell me where she is.
    I start getting angry.
    Could somebody please explain to me WHERE MY MOTHER IS and/or WHY? You are not allowed to tell me her whereabouts?
    Dad and Sis refuse to tell. Are THEY AFRAID OF me??
    I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone.

    Later I found out. She packed up moved 2,000 miles away, put her house on the market and made everybody around believe I was some kind of homicidal maniac. I was mortified.

    That’s just the introduction of the Horror Show.
    That was Surprise #1 just an example of what I was in store for.

    After 3 years of trying to heal my soul, stop feeling sorry for myself, keeping anger and emotions in check. Learning to forgive and have compassion. Giving up on the role of always being the victim….

    I think I’m finally making some headway.

    So save yourself all of the unnecessary aggravation and stress, confusion and suicidal thoughts while healing….
    leave the NPD out of it. Just focus on yourself.
    I wish did.
    Thank you so much.
    Feels good to vent.


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